There’s death all around her. Two children lost to her and no one to blame. She tries to live each day as though there’s no loss in her life. She avoids the pain while avoiding herself, her feelings, her thoughts, her own wishes.

While she lost them long ago, she cries as if it were only last year. One breath on her neck as she embraces her child, one kiss on her cheek in that wet sort of way. The wet kiss that I purposely rub in to my face when receiving one from my girls knowing that…

I never know when that will be the last. Death has done this to me, taught me how fragile life is, while watching mommas cry and lament on the unfairness of it all.

How do I help her? How do I console her? How do I beg her to believe that she still has a purpose in this lifetime? Giving her messages of hope from her children that indeed they do still live on, is all that I can do, knowing that it’s still not enough.

I do not dare to imagine how her broken heart feels. I don’t want to feel into it but I cannot help myself as I cry along with her while telling stories of the good times that her children are relaying to me in that extrasensory sort of way.

She laughs, while she cries. Remembering the good times as she says, “You know what, I know that I will see them again, love on them again… I just miss them so much!”

We embrace.

It is she who teaches me that through the pain, there can be moments of laughter, through the grief, there can be moments of joy.

“You know, Nicole, I just wanted you to bring them back to me for a few minutes, that’s all that I wanted, thank you for that.”

As tears roll down my face, I know that my life is complete in the work that I do, yet I still want to give her more.

Our conversation rolls on to the holiday’s now upon us and how she will persevere in her own quiet way. Joy filled, she says,

“The show must go on and I’m the main character, I will see my boys again, I trust this.”

…and so it is, out of the mouth of a momma who’s light is continuing to shine even on cloudy days. These words said, I know, were not just meant to end the conversation or pretend that all is well. It’s not. These precious words were spoken in truth, the kind of truth that’s hard to hear, yet even harder to say.

It is she who on this day gave me more, more belief that in the end, LOVE is the force that connects us to one another… for I love her in this moment and she loves me in return. And this, these few seconds in time, I am grateful to have given and to have received.

Much love,
Nicole

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