She Left Me

I saw a yellow Porsche convertible today. It stood out, as they say, like a sore thumb.

Oh, how this particular car can bring me back...

...back to a time in my life when my world felt simple, safe, and secure.

When I saw that Porsche, the first thought that came to mind was a friend I had lost due to my profession. I thought of her, how much I loved her, how she always felt like my Soul-sister, as I drove away from that yellow Porsche, feeling sad and yet understanding why she left me.

It can’t be easy when your friend changes and you don’t understand them.

I applaud her for leaving me.

She wasn’t ready for the new chapter beginning in my life as much as I was subconsciously ready for the old chapter to end.

I wasn’t being true to myself.

At the time, I lived in a world of misconceptions, where I went inward while projecting my fear outward. A space in time when I was confused and lonely and leaning too heavily on those around me. I was afraid, and I projected that onto my friends and family. I was lashing out at my religion and its dualistic thinking. I was torn.

Back to the yellow Porsche convertible.

We manifest things into our existence. The yellow Porsche was my manifestation. Do I own a yellow Porsche? Nope. Do I want a yellow Porsche? No, not really. Are they pretty to look at? Sure, but only because my daughter’s favorite color is yellow. Are you following me here?

I don’t want the yellow Porsche! I wanted my friend to want me in her life again.

As I drive away, I’m ruminating these thoughts for the next 10-minute drive to my office. I find myself having a mindful conversation about my girlfriend and our relationship.

We had so much fun, she and I. Our daughters were the same age; we were similar but different. When we hung out, people assumed we were sisters; that’s how much we resembled one another. I missed her so much. Or did I? Yes, I do! No, not really, I thought... Back and forth I go. Miss her? Don’t miss her!

Feeling pretty emotional as I stop at the last stop sign before my office ahead, I finally come back to the reality that I am on autopilot, literally, and have made it here while in a hypnotized state of thought, noticing nothing else around me except what I am consciously thinking about.

Where were the trees that I passed every day? Or the precious breakfast restaurant that has people standing in line outside in the heat? How did I get here?

As I am sitting here breathing in and out and taking my breaths quite seriously, here it comes, ever so slowly, pulling up to the four-way stop.

Needless to say, I am in total shock, and it obviously, embarrassingly, shows.

Yep, you guessed it! A different yellow Porsche convertible. I’m not joking! A handsome guy in a suit looks my way, gesturing for me to go, and I wave him on. He waves back, and I think, did I just make this up? Is this real? After all, it’s hot as Hades here in the South; he’s in a suit, in a convertible, and he just nonchalantly waves to me as I motion him on.

Really? How many yellow convertible Porsches are in this small town of mine? Is he and his damn yellow Porsche just a figment of my imagination? Did I manifest this? As silly as this may sound, a voice inside me says, “Of course you did, darling.”

As I enter my office, close the door, and sit in my meditation chair, I feel this overwhelming presence inside me, speaking to me in a voice I know all too well. The voice of my God said to me, “All is well. This is your path. No longer doubt.”

Do I trust this voice? Is it just me, myself, and I inside there saying this? This may be a logical question to most people, but I have had too much personal experience to know when the voices in my head are not mine, considering... it’s my profession. I know this voice to be authentic and genuine.

And I choose to trust. Just as much as I know that people come in and out of our lives for a reason and a season, I trust that, too.

So, did I manifest the yellow Porsche convertible?

Considering that I do nothing alone and always with God/the Universe's assistance, a resounding YES is in order. Whether you have this belief or how you define the word manifest is up to you.

I have no doubt that this car was placed in my path for a reason. A reason enough to ponder more on the thoughts that I was having about the past. The regrets, the grief of a relationship lost, and should-haves that come when we look back and think on the could-have-been.

These thoughts do one thing: they bring me back to self-doubt. And this sista wants no more to do with self-doubt! Kimberly "Sweet Brown" Wilkins says, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

I know this to be true: Yellow Porsche convertible = A shadow sign.

It’s a sign that I needed to dive a bit deeper into an old wound, contemplate it in my mind, and come to a conclusion.

It’s the sign that I needed to surrender to life on God’s terms, not my own.

To trust in the process of life and all of the goodness, trials, and triumphs that come along with it.

It’s a sign that I must stop my limited beliefs in myself! I need to give up on the stories I tell myself about myself. These stories are harmful, not helpful. Can you feel me?

It’s the sign that I needed to know that I am never alone on this journey, and neither are YOU!

The signs are everywhere.

Take the time to see them.

Take the time to contemplate them.

This is when the magic happens in your life.

Much Love

Nicole